Courtney made me feel like a 12 year old kid seeing his favorite band for the first time again. I cannot express how much fun and how much energy there was at the show tonight. She arrived on stage pretty late (sometime after 10PM), but from then on, she was on fire all night. She was fun, enthusiastic, her voice sounded great, and she interacted a lot with the crowd. When I yelled out for "Olympia" she gave me a puzzled look and said something to the extent of "Olympia? Olympia my ass! I'm 47 now; I am not going to play Olympia, Teenage Whore, or any of that other shit." But at least I tried :)

I'm not sure if it was because I was smooshed against the baracade right in the direct center or what, but the show was hot as balls and seemed to be packed. The fans I got a chance to talk to before and during the show were all very friendly and it was nice to be able to enjoy the show without any drama.

Personal highlights for me included Awful, Plump, Dirty Girls, and pretty much the entire encore. Like I said, she was on fire. I was bit worried the set would get cut short/wouldn't deliver when she hadn't showed up even an hour after Foxy Shazam's set, but it turned out great. Foxy Shazam was also a lot of fun; they reminded me of a hipster version of Mindless Self Indulgence- ha!

I’m not sure what Gaga would think if I told her my experience at her show last night in St. Louis. When looking over her works and relating it to the experience, I think “Dance in the Dark” is pretty appropriate. The gay community is interesting in that it there is so much good in it and meanwhile there’s so much wrong with it; I think it’s the directness. I’m big on directness; I think being able to be honest with others is one of the best things you do for yourself and others socially. It allows us to avoid guessing games and feel less hurt than we would were we lied to. I think the way sex is open and honest in much of the gay community is great. Moreover, I think that’s why casual sex is so common and openly accepted within the community. But there’s a lot I don’t like about this. I’ll be quite honest: I’m more than open to have casual, platonic sex with other men. In fact, I can’t imagine much else better. In many ways, having a best friend with whom I could have sex seems ideal. Within the gay community, because it’s often so easy to get sex, it’s pretty disheartening when you’re flat-out denied it by everybody on all levels. Not to say that I’ve necessarily experienced it like this, but the point still stands; I know there are people who have. Men, gay and straight, often make loosing weight, staying in shape, and having a nice body look so much easier than it typically is. As someone who’s not perfect or even great looking in terms of body by any stretch, this is beyond frustrating. Because there are so many men with perfect bodies out there, it’s easy for gay men with these bodies to surround themselves with other men of the same physical stature and come together- almost like the motherfucking Borg- and exclude everybody else that doesn’t reach that level of physical perfection. Going back to my Gaga experience, I definitely felt that way at her show, being surrounded by all the gay men in the world, pushing me aside when I wasn’t even looking for anything. It soon became apparent that none of them, soon forming as a large group of relatively attractive gay men, wanted me in the vicinity of their dancing; arms stretched out to provide some sort of a barrier between me and them made this clear. Gaga herself was fantastic. Her show was incredible and her entire team put on an unbelievable performance. Her message of universal love spoke to me, but the way I was treated by her fans (not just the gay ones, but by people pushing, trying to steal bags, fighting, etc) suggested a completely different thing. I do wonder how Gaga would feel if I shared my experience. I don’t think she’d feel much better than I did. It’s not her fault that I had a night of mixed emotions, but I would like to know what her opinion would be of the situation, how she’d feel, and how she’d approach the situation. She is truly an incredible person in the media world right now and I love what she’s doing. My trip that I am currently returning from has reminded me of one simple show-going lesson:

Dear Robert,

You hate people. You love fans, and you love meeting them, but let’s face it dear, crowds aren’t your thing. Seated venues for the win.

xoxo, Your Consciousness.

And I suppose this is definitely the case. Having masturbated, showered, slept, showered again, drank coffee, eaten, read Plath, and listened to an obnoxious number of Tori Amos bootlegs, I can say that I feel much better looking back at yesterday night’s show and that writing about it helps even more. Besides, our merch packages for the VIP packages are absolutely wonderful; “Dance in the Dark” totebags with VIP laminates, Fame Monster Tour 2010 towels, and Gaga sunglasses inside! I purchased “Alejandro” and “Dance in the Dark” t-shirts- both were in sizes too big for me, so I think I’m going to just bite the bullet and buy them in size Small online; I also want those fancy laminate lanyards that look more like the traditional crew/VIP laminates, as they were also sold out by the time I got to the merch stand. The tour program is gorgeous, by the way.

Unfortunately, I’m getting home about 2/3 hours too late tonight to hang out with Aaron, the guy I recently went on a date with. He’ll be away this week, but with any luck, there’s always this upcoming weekend.

I have less than a month left at Brewberry’s/Espresso Royale. I know I need the money, but a big part of me wishes that I was done already. These past three years and running have been fun, but I’m ready to move on with my life.

I advanced to the second column in my 100 Pushups program! YES. Cheers!

I started this program yesterday: http://www.hundredpushups.com/

I think it'll be nice to get in some other exercise besides what I've already been doing.

Seeing Gaga and Clovey live next week; I'm super excited. Turns out I need to be at the venue in Chicago by 6:15, which will be tight. I'm going to have to leave pretty early that morning, I guess.

Still working a lot. Post-surgery working has been much better, even if I've developed less patience for some of my customers, I think.

Cosmics should be opening up later this month. Exciting, much?

I'm registered for classes for fall; I'll be taking European History, Art History, and German I, among my other requirements I have as a freshman. Should be fun.

I don't know whether I absolute love or detest children. But what I do know is that I have a best friend that's four years old and is named Austin. And he's my little brother, we've decided, as of yesterday. Sigh. I kinda want to adopt him. With any luck, he'll stay four years old for another thirteen years (at which point I'll adopt him).

To elaborate, I've been working at Sandcastle Childcare Center for my senior projects and will be through the following week.

We watched The Little Mermaid today. I love that movie. Mostly for "Part of Your World." I still can't get over that song. Greg wouldn't sing it with me though :(

Courtney Love, all things withstanding, is an incredible musician and songwriter. I realized today how poignant and wonderful "Pacific Coast Highway" and "Never Go Hungry" are - ironic that a song about coming clean from drug use would come out right around the time I cast away my anger towards (mostly) my ex.

I've been listening to Joanna Newsom lately. I don't know what it is about her, but I am really loving it. She also sometimes uses a Wurlitzer, which you know means I already am hard for her music.

I finished up high school with roughly a 3.6 GPA. Lower that I wanted, but I suppose it's a big improvement from grades in years past.

Things are finally coming together. I'm done with high school. "All the world just stopped now. If you need me, me and Neil'll be hanging out with the Dream King."

Nobody's Daughter (Rough Edit)

Not too long ago I became well acquainted with a woman whom I had known for years, but never really connected with. She was the acquaintance that everybody always had some offbeat story about, the one that your friends would call you up about, assuring you that you would not believe what she had done this time. She was also the one that was frequently getting her in trouble with others and sometimes even the law. If there were ever one person to define the phrase “train wreck,” she would be it. Yes, it was not too long ago that I became well acquainted with whom Rolling Stone the “most controversial woman in the history of rock,” Courtney Love.

The first time I heard about Courtney Love, I was a sixteen-year old and sophomore in high school. I was a big Nine Inch Nails fan and I had recently discovered Tori Amos. My best friend had gotten me into both of these artists, and it was clear she had more music to share. I distinctly remember her calling me one night and laughing over a blog entry by Courtney Love she had just read. In the blog, Courtney proclaimed that against all odds she had come to realize that “drugs are bad, and I’m not going to drugs anymore. Unless I want to.” I was completely dumbfounded by this logic. I even found it funny, though I knew she were a recovering heroin addict. That was the nature of my association with Courtney for the next few years.

She was complete and utter comic relief with just a slight hint of pity glazed over it. I could not help myself, however. I was drawn to her controversial character; how could somebody that can barely even sort out her documents from her own grocery list from cause strife with so many people? One of the better examples I can recall is her conflict with Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails and Tori Amos. While no one knows exactly what or to what extent things happened, most people have come to the conclusion that Courtney Love got in the middle of some sort of relationship between Tori and Trent, causing the respective artists to write a myriad of biting songs and live performances about how much they hate Courtney and each other. I came to respect her though. While Tori and Trent ranted on about their hatred, Courtney of all people refused to make any comments. She kept the tabloids out of her personal life; as she has said countless times on her Twitter account as of late, “[she] does not kiss and tell.” It still amazes me that two of whom I value to be some of the most intelligent and gifted artists today could end up looking pettier and less “with it” than Courtney Love.

It was not until recently that it finally clicked as to why Courtney has these rare, yet remarkable moments of grace; it is her perseverance. In case you completely missed out on the 90’s, Courtney Love was the late wife of the grunge band Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain. Soon after his suicide, the press exploded with accusations of Courtney killing her husband. Moreover, a myriad of Nirvana fans immediately jumped aboard the classic murderous widow bandwagon, unable to cope with the deal of their rock star. This does not really compute to me. Ask yourselves this: do you really think it is in any way possible that one of the most strung out and incompetent women in the world could execute such a murder? One in which the victim’s fingerprints were all over the suicide note and gun? I think not.

Beyond her ability to survive against the media’s unfair allegations and exploitations, Courtney has demonstrated a lot of strength in her recovery from rampart drug use. Having been spending a lot of time following the promotion of her recent record, “Nobody’s Daughter,” it is like seeing an entirely different person talking during those interviews. She has finally gotten her act together, having gone through much therapy. And what’s more? She looks genuinely happy and is going on her first full-length tour in years with her new band. This demonstrates to me that even if one hits rock bottom, there is always hope for rebound.

I guess it does not really surprise me all that much that I find myself writing a personal narrative talking about Courtney Love. In between her releasing a new record last month with her band Hole and my obsession with grunge music and female singer-songwriters of the 90’s, it made perfect sense. But it isn’t just about my obsession with a music scene. I take things a lot further. Generally, when I find an artist that I really grow to like, it’s because I want to know their perspective. I want to know what it is that they have to offer and impart upon me. Without that, why should I devote so much of my time and money to these artists? In the case of Courtney, I learned how crucial it is to persevere and conquer the day. No matter how many people may get in my way, seek to see me fail, or try and bring me down, I know how necessary it is that I push past them and succeed. I can’t let up, otherwise I’ll fall victim to my enemies.

After her husband’s death, Courtney had to do the same. The tension and violence that makes up her sophomore record “Live Through This” seek to channel all of the frustration and pain that she felt. So when she sings “I want you to go on and take everything, I dare you,” she practically encourages her adversaries to try and bring her down. If I can manage to endure half as well as she has, I know that I have to be doing something right.

2010 Playlist #1 - Tear in Your Hand / Graduation

01. "Graveyard" (Live 1999) - Tori Amos
02. "Crucify" (Plugged 1999) - Tori Amos
03. "Breaking up the Girl" - Garbage
04. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga
05. "Bomb This Track" (Demo) - Mindless Self Indulgence
06. "Spin Spin Sugar" (Armand van Helden Remix) - Sneaker Pimps
07. "Dance in the Dark" - Lady Gaga
08. "Picking Flowers Next to Roadkill" - Kristoff Krane
09. "Pacific Coast Highway" - Hole
10. "Gay Bar" - Electric Six
11. "Only Happy When It Rains" - Garbage
12. "Hysteric" (Acoustic) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
13. "Wild" - Poe
14. "Samantha" - Hole
15. "Tear in Your Hand" (Remixed Tales Version) - Tori Amos

I'M A FATHER!

I am now the proud father of a bagel. I'm a bagel daddy! Its name is Jimmy! Calvin named it. I am so happy and I am sure that the mother, whichever of the thirty-seven women I am currently married to that used my sperm donation, is equally so.

But despite our shared happiness, it seems that there are some that want to see my parenting go down the shitter. Hell, some fucker even suggested that my bagel's name is Roundy and that it is in fact a bastard child.

Well I'm here to prove everybody wrong. I am going to sing my bagel "Never Go Hungry" every night. It will grow up to be strong and smart. It will kick that fucker's ass. That and singing "Never Go Hungry" will motivate me to never eat my bagel. Even when I'm sitting at Cosmics at 11PM and am hungry (which I actually am not right now- I'm quite bloated)