I'm reconnecting with Alanis. I'm listening to Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. I feel like I'm in junior high school again.

I've reached that point in my post-surgery recovery process where I'm not really in pain or anything and I'm just waiting to fully heal. Yet, I still took off however much time from work and so I feel bad if I go out tonight. Eh. I don't like this feeling. I'm getting restless at home.

I went on a date today. It was nice. The boy was charming and cute.

I want to go out for a drive. Or go to Muddy's. Maybe I need to call Calvin. Or Ryan. Or hm. OR ALEX. ... Just called Alex, he's not in town. Shit. I'd call Gonzo, but I don't want to deal with the possibility of his family picking up. Emily's busy too. Calvin's not answering his phone, so I assume he's busy with class or work. Just messaged Ryan, we'll see.

I suppose there is Lauren, too. I wish I could smoke right now, but I don't want to get dry socket. Boredom raises my anxiety like nothing else. H usually would be another good option, but his Serbian ass is probably in bed with another Serbian ass. Bitch.

"Would Not Come" is one of the bizarrest Alanis tracks, ever. It just came on and once again I am completely lost as how she came to this melody.

I started reading again. I need to be doing that more often.

Ah fuck, even I'm getting annoyed with this blog entry already. I started writing this however many tracks ago and here I am still jogging things down. Enough is enough, fickle brain.

Adios.

I feel like a cunt. And this is probably the first time I've actually felt like a cunt in a long time. The truth is that I've been acting like a cunt for the past few weeks. I've blamed it on busyness and school work, but in all actuality it's still my fault. I've let my emotions and self-importance get the better of me. I'm particularly sorry to Emily.

Today I really pissed off a guy. I made him feel like he didn't mean very much to me and that despite all of the time he invests into our friendship, I only take it out of convenience and having nothing better to do. I made him feel even worse when I accused him of never talking about himself when honestly I know I never give him that chance. I've been a self-absorbed shithead. I am a self-absorbed shithead. But he had the goodness to call me out on it. I feel terrible. I even just cried a little bit. Not because he was right and I was wrong or anything like that, but I guess I feel really good knowing that despite all my shortcomings, I'm apparently good enough to keep around. Because I know had he been any other guy, I probably would've been told to go fuck myself. This guy's a good guy. I'm glad I didn't lose him over this. I want to stop focusing so much on myself. But it's hard. I like talking a lot. I have a shitty time trying to express myself though, and I think that's partially why a) I end up in disputes like this, and b) I talk so fucking much. As glad as I am to be able to work out these issues with my friends, it's kinda scary trying to overcome my greatest vice. Even just for my own sake, I hope I don't fuck up. God knows when and if I actually get married nobody's going to want to if I'm like this all the time.

So like remember the 7 page psych paper, 11 page econ/gov't paper, final statistical analysis, and 45 minute psychology video I was supposed to finish for friday? yeah, well, I give up. way to motherfucking go mr. microphone.

ps: ryan's a shetbag.
pss: calvin, cristina, and milenko are awesome. and so is emily but the latter two aren't here :(

Thin Ice and East Coast Flair

Yesterday my mother insisted I spend the night at Calvin's apartment in West St. Paul because I would be closer to school the next morning and therefore avoid extra time in poor driving conditions. While I failed to see the logic behind this, I didn't dare judge the blessing and took the opportunity to eat pizza, watch television and smoke hookah with one of my best buds. This is what I looked like for most of the evening as I sat and watched Current TV while Calvin did his classwork in the other room:

We smoked Tangerine Dream flavored shisha. It hit far harder than either of us were expecting or wanted it to. When I stood up from the chair it seemed like gravity was going to face plant me into the ground, so I passed out onto the conveniently located couch right next to the chair. Clearly I made some bad decisions. Poppa John's Pizza, bee tee dubs is actually pretty good if you order it with extra cheese and sauce. I overate, but Calvin assures me that that's not gross, it's manliness. Ha. For sleeping, I slept on a movable bed/mattress in the middle of the living room. Calvin's dog Andre kept digging himself under the covers and pushing my arm out of the way to make room for him to cuddle with me. Had he not been so cute, I would not have yielded. Likewise, his kitty planted herself at the foot of the bed from time to time. Even though my mother's logic utterly failed, as I had to run home this morning to grab the tie I forgot to bring over to Calvin's apartment, I still had a great time and slept well. Not to mention that there was coffee in the morning. And I like coffee. Thanks Calvin!

And now for something completely unrelated, this afternoon my friend Tom responded to a comment I made about my Economics video project with an insulting array of comments, such as how it went beyond mediocrity to utter shit, and how poor my score would be. Tom, fuck off. I understand that you prefer to be blunt and honest at all times, but there is a big difference between bluntness and insensitivity and/or flat-out rudeness. This isn't the first time your commentary has fallen under the latter category. Unprompted criticism is rude by itself, but if you're not even going to provide even the slightest bit of constructive advice, you might as well shut your mouth. Furthermore, your tactless criticisms call into question why Emily and I even bother responding to any of your business with sensitivity. There are plenty of times I wanted to tell you straight that you were an idiot for stubbornly pursuing Susha when it was evident things wouldn't work out. I never once did, however, because I thought of your feelings first. Sure, I don't care too much about my video. But to have somebody deliver an unprompted full-out criticism of an unfinished product (based solely on a script) within the weekend of its due date is tasteless. In the future, I'd prefer if you were to shove it unless you have something constructive to say.

What a day.

i got a plan

still sick. ugh. glad I'm dropping math after this year. not glad that math this year is a life/death battle. went for tea with emily and susha. jon showed up a little bit later. kara was working. I never see kara. exciting news though. britney's setlist was announced. lookie here:

CIRCUS

Perez/Parade Intro
Circus (Funky Remix)
Piece of Me
Thunderstorm Segue
Radar

HOUSE OF FUN (Anything Goes)

Martial Arts Segue
Ooh Ooh Baby/Hot as Ice
Boys
If U Seek Amy
Me Against the Music (Bollywood)

FREAKSHOW/PEEPSHOW

Everybody's Looking for Something Segue
Freakshow
Get Naked
Britney's Hotline
Breathe on Me/Touch of My Hand

ELECTRO CIRC

Break the Ice Segue
Do Something
Slave
Dancer Solo Segue/Heartbeat Segue
Toxic
Baby One More Time (Remix)

ENCORE

Womanizer (Extended Remix)
Circus Reprise: The Bow

so, on one hand, yay hot as ice. on the other hand, BOO get naked i got a plan and toxic. ewwww. what is she thinking? nyeh. i'd forgive her if she brings brandon stoughton (womanizer video):


I am such a fag. fuck off.


at any rate, I miss having audio. I miss having a fully working computer to store music on. fuck it- I miss windows vista even. never thought I'd want vista over xp, but fuck, I do. granted, the real solution would be to just fuck windows altogether and get a mac instead. cannot afford that though. /bitch

and I was so right

everything DOES come back to tea. emily is bringing me tea because I'm sick and brenton and jen and luke apparently all wished me best. she's also bringing me soup and jen gave her my employee discount since it's going to me! :D

oh man oh so much love for emily right now <3

and I got my fire emblem rom working again, which gives me something to do today.