another year

it's been a really long time since i've blogged. i feel like i should be doing this a lot more often. a lot's happened since i last had an entry, much less about something besides "Abnormally Attracted to Sin." more than any other, so much shit has gone down this week. jon and i broke up (mutually and on good terms). i've been having horrible cigarette cravings for over a month every single day. school has been fun, but my quietness regarding my sexuality is starting to destroy me. i started exercising. i'm seeing someone about my sexuality/school issues now at the request of jon and an instructor. but most of all, i find myself with a really strong support group. and i am stronger than i have ever been. this week so far has been very hard. it's crucial that i not only survive it but also vanquish it.

i'm learning a lot. and i'm finding that people are much more open to helping me and getting through this than i would have imagined. and it means more to me than i can express. especially because i'm in a very bad place right now. i'm stronger than ever, but i'm not sure if i can go another week without coming out. even if it's just being open through facebook. i don't know if i can do it. and that scares the shit out of me.

more than anybody else though, jon is really helping me through this. and it's amazing- our relationship as friends is so much stronger than it was when we were together. we're in such different places in our lives. it would have been hard to stay together for much longer. i'm not sure either of us thought we'd even be together as long as we were. and it was an unbelievably healthy and successful relationship. but it had a deadline. and we both knew it. it made it a lot harder for us, jon especially, to give to each other emotionally. i'm on my way to college. he's on his way out. i need him as a big brother and a friend a lot more than i need him in bed though. and already i feel like this is a good change for both of us. that makes me very happy.

the other day i tried nicarette gum in hopes that it'd reduce my cigarette cravings. i was totally wrong of course- i didn't know any better though. that was the most foul thing i've ever put it my mouth. needless to say, i'm pretty convinced that i'm just really stressed and craving cigarettes because of it. thus, pack of cigarettes for the week. then i'm done.

and here i am, watching jasmine dragon pearls grow in lemon myrtle water with libby, jon, and taylor. can you say pathetic? oh yeah.

ps: my father and i have decided that i need to wait another year. he'll bring the smokes, i'll bring the beer.

it'll be the best year ever. i promise.