another year

it's been a really long time since i've blogged. i feel like i should be doing this a lot more often. a lot's happened since i last had an entry, much less about something besides "Abnormally Attracted to Sin." more than any other, so much shit has gone down this week. jon and i broke up (mutually and on good terms). i've been having horrible cigarette cravings for over a month every single day. school has been fun, but my quietness regarding my sexuality is starting to destroy me. i started exercising. i'm seeing someone about my sexuality/school issues now at the request of jon and an instructor. but most of all, i find myself with a really strong support group. and i am stronger than i have ever been. this week so far has been very hard. it's crucial that i not only survive it but also vanquish it.

i'm learning a lot. and i'm finding that people are much more open to helping me and getting through this than i would have imagined. and it means more to me than i can express. especially because i'm in a very bad place right now. i'm stronger than ever, but i'm not sure if i can go another week without coming out. even if it's just being open through facebook. i don't know if i can do it. and that scares the shit out of me.

more than anybody else though, jon is really helping me through this. and it's amazing- our relationship as friends is so much stronger than it was when we were together. we're in such different places in our lives. it would have been hard to stay together for much longer. i'm not sure either of us thought we'd even be together as long as we were. and it was an unbelievably healthy and successful relationship. but it had a deadline. and we both knew it. it made it a lot harder for us, jon especially, to give to each other emotionally. i'm on my way to college. he's on his way out. i need him as a big brother and a friend a lot more than i need him in bed though. and already i feel like this is a good change for both of us. that makes me very happy.

the other day i tried nicarette gum in hopes that it'd reduce my cigarette cravings. i was totally wrong of course- i didn't know any better though. that was the most foul thing i've ever put it my mouth. needless to say, i'm pretty convinced that i'm just really stressed and craving cigarettes because of it. thus, pack of cigarettes for the week. then i'm done.

and here i am, watching jasmine dragon pearls grow in lemon myrtle water with libby, jon, and taylor. can you say pathetic? oh yeah.

ps: my father and i have decided that i need to wait another year. he'll bring the smokes, i'll bring the beer.

it'll be the best year ever. i promise.

Raspberry Swirl

Jon goes home in two weeks. I know I've exhausted this bit of information, so forgive me. In good news I was accepted into Carleton's summer writing program, which makes me really happy. My father gave me a credit card today. Lolwut. My father is not only supportive of me dating Jon, but won't stop asking questions about him. Double lolwut. I came out to my mother. Triple lolwut. Oh and Kristoff Krane might be a new client, or rather, my first personal client. Not quadruple lolwut, but still noteworthy (the lolwuts had to die at some point). Maybe California didn't blow chunks. Quandruple lolwut (I lied). At any rate, I'm going to miss my sweetheart. I'm not going to miss high school. I will probably miss Minnesota, and then the US, and then St. Paul/Minneapolis, as I go on the G tour summer '09 (New York, Italy, Northfield). But most of all, I will probably miss Emily and the internet. Also- can somebody stop me from coming out to any more people? This shit is gonna get out of hand and spread like wildfire if I don't shut up. I mean, I'm all for triumphing over the heterosexist world, but not when and if it's not safe. But I am terribly sleepy. SO, I am going to go to sleep and dream about sleeping with my baby. <3