Hey Mil,

So I'm sitting in a hotel room right now. I've had a bottle of wine and then some. Some 25/26 year old is IMing me about his love problems and about how lonely he is. I'm trying my best to convince him he'll find someone, but I'm not sure he believes me. He seems to feel pretty hopeless, but you never know, maybe he'll feel otherwise if I say just the right thing.

I've been doing better lately. Staying off the boards and keeping myself occupied has helped a lot. I think I should be good to go by the time I move. I'm having an unofficial going away party on Sunday at my new favorite coffee shop. I wish you could be there. It'll be too much fun, and what better way to celebrate it than have one of my favorite people there.

I haven't been able to listen to Tori lately, but now that I'm piss drunk I find myself listening to that live recording of Twinkle on the glory of the 80s single. That's what got us talking in the first place, wasn't it? I can't remember, but I think it was something that had to do with Twinkle. That's the first song that came to me after Jonathan and I broke up. I love it, even if I can't listen to Fori anymore.

I hope all of your studies are going well. Hopefully, after we've both gotten settled into our studies, we can help each other get better at German. I still want to visit and maybe even move there. Promise you'll visit me after I've gotten settled in? We need to hang out.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with any of this, but remember that I've been drinking, so hopefully you'll either forgive me or let it pass.

Three men have tried hitting on me tonight. I already mentioned the third one, who clearly needs some sort of emotional help and isn't at the same place I am, life-wise. The first one was nice, but probably not my type, and the second one actually hung up a skype call with me while he was trying to get me to orgasm. Um, rude much?

I miss your face. You were always the most fun person to talk to online because I felt you always got me. With most of these guys, it's like I have to strain myself to show interest. One of them is adamantly against gay pride and trannies- I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to something like that. Another one clearly needs help. It puts things into perspective though; if I'm sitting here, drunk maybe, but listening to Twinkle and feeling good enough, and this guy over here is feeling lost and desolate, then I must be doing pretty good, right? I mean, I'm pretty lucky I think. Sure, I get ignored by a lot of guys, but a lot of other guys think I'm really good looking and interesting enough, I guess. Hopefully when I'm older, I'll feel the same way about another guy.

At this point, I've put that recording of Twinkle on repeat, because it's the only thing I can think of. I started listening to Mindless again. I never really got into how big of an impact they were on me because I knew they weren't your type of music, but I gotta say that one of their records was probably the biggest influence on my life. That record did more for me than anything of Tori's. And you know how important Tori's music has been for me emotionally. One day I'd like to show you something of theirs. Maybe you won't want to, but hey, how should I know? I figure it's worth sharing eventually.

I'm sorry I never gave you the space to be mad at me. Whether we'd like it or not, I'm not 30. I wish my age didn't get in the way of all of my friendships, but it ultimately does most of the time. I feel like I've learned a lot from the mistakes I've made though. I know I'm a self-centered prick. I don't think that's changed at all. But I do feel less full of myself. I know how and why I fucked up, and no matter how I dance around the idea, I think I would have fucked up regardless. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I didn't give you space. And I'm sorry that I let us get to the point where we had higher expectations of each other than we should have. I'll take the blame for all of it.

Thanks for showing me Joanna Newsom. I love her music. I'm still slowly delving into her discography and her lyrics, but I love everything that I've gotten into so far. I really hope that before I leave that I can sit my ass down in front of my turn table and listen to Have One on Me in its entirety while reading along to the lyrics. Everything I've read by her is incredible. Maybe I'll have the money to go see her in New York in November.

Thanks for showing me all of the other music and TV shows too. My mother has become addicted to Weeds and Emily loves Summer Heights High. See, my friends and family don't even really know you and they already love you. How cool is that?

I think you're the only person on earth that gets my cynicism. I think most men are too dense or srz business to really understand it. Thank you for putting up with all of my self-absorbed bullshit. You did it and listened to what I said far longer than anybody else ever did. I'm sorry for sending you a drunken email at two in the morning. I really am. I just don't think I'd say any of this without being under the influence and I think that I probably should get it off my chest in one way or another. On the upside, just think of how you'll never have to deal with me or my bullshit ever again. Pretty cool huh? Win win deal if you ask me.

I'm running out of things to say. Probably a good thing, because the third of the three guys that've been hitting on me finally decided to go to bed and give up on me. But at any rate, I hope everything is going great in Belgrade. I hope Nikola is doing well and that you're still enjoying the singles I sent to you. Like I showed you, I still have more for you, but you'll have to wait until the holiday season for me to send them to. I hope you like those.

So at any rate, I'm sorry I've been a jerk to you these past few months. I'm sorry I overcomplicated your life and I'm sorry I'm sending this email right now. You're still my great friend and I love you dearly. Hope you're well and that everything is and does go great for you.

Farewell Milenko,

with love,
Robert Gavin

I'm Still Gay and You're a Little Sharp: Why That "Gay Ass White Shit" Band Still Matters

As I steadily work my way out of an unfortunate chemical mess, I find myself revisiting probably the single most life-changing factor in my personal life: the self-proclaimed industrial jungle pussy punk band Mindless Self Indulgence. What started as a teenage obsession turned into a profound lesson in acceptance, self-respect, good humor, business ethics, communication, sexuality, and practical marketing. And now that the band is slowly exiting the realm of "indefinite hiatus" and I'm using my unfinished website as an excuse to be productive, my favor with them is quickly returning. Their last record did nothing for me. In fact, that entire promotional era left me feeling cold and disgusted, sometimes even with them as people. But as I've been typing out their discography, transcribing old press, and God forbid watching the infamous "Molly (Live)" video on DVD, I've remembered what made them so great. And what still makes them great is being able to feel all of that pain and self-loathing and knowing that no matter what that you're a unique and beautiful person and that sometimes all you need is to have fun and not give a fuck. Maybe I haven't followed that advice lately. But I have been listening to their work again, and it's bringing out the inner-geek and cynic in me again. That's a step forward.

The weather is beautiful outside; it feels like September. Tying in with all of the Mindless talk, I get extremely nostalgic for the band when it feels like this outside. I remember starting high school and feeling like I knew music's best kept secret, almost like I belonged to something special that nobody else at the time did. I was similarly depressed out of my mind at the time; chemically, I had never been in worse shape than I was at the end of May and into June 2006. I never really figured out why, but I would guess my recently discovered sexuality came as a shock to me and was hard to deal with. That fall I met the first guy I felt strongly for and we together felt like the biggest MSI fans on the planet. There were a lot of complications in the end and I may have gotten the shorter end of the deal, but I still had my favorite band. And at the time, every new discovery with Mindless was an event. The remix singles, the bootlegs, the official youtube channel, the tongue-in-cheek insults, everything. It was through Mindless I made some of my first long-lasting friends and established a place within the music industry. By chance, it's also how I met Bill H and became involved with BRAT Marketing. I'm not sure I would have ever discovered Tori Amos had I not become involved with the Mindless community, for that matter. So I'm very nostalgic today; I'm grinning from ear to ear. There's nothing I want more right now than to have some of my best high school friends over, watch Mindless Self Indulgence on VHS, talk about how much better Tight is than You'll Rebel to Anything (not something I'd necessarily agree with in that context now), wonder what "Lights Out" sounds like - knowing how awesome it's gotta sound, and complain about how we don't have studio versions of "Revenge" and "Unbelievable Animal."

James said that "everybody's who's famous sucked a dick to get where they are today" and that the "only difference between [the band] and them" is that "[Mindless] swallowed it." Sometimes I think that juvenile, backwards logic is the smartest of all. Maybe my problem's been that I've long forgotten the lessons of my widely-extended family. Right now, I'm going to try and fix that.

Love you James. Love you Steve. Love you Lyn-Z. Love you Kitty. Love you BillH. Love you Galus.

All of you at Mindless Camp are wonderful. Thanks for raising me right.
-Always, G

These past few nights I've felt like and thought about killing myself. I don't know where these feelings or thoughts are coming from. They terrify me. My thoughts, fears, and anxieties are consuming me. I haven't felt this way since I was 15. I'm afraid. I feel alone. I don't know who to talk to. I feel hysteric. I can't analyze a root or a source. But I feel I need to do something. I can't deal with this. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Selfish. That's the only thing a child can be.

I can't sleep anymore.

I am having the worst time of it these past few days.

As far as today's concerned, I haven't had the motivation to leave my bed with the exception of the time I had to use the restroom.

I can't talk about a lot of the things bothering me on the internet either. This makes this very fucking hard to deal with.

All of my guys are inaccessible right now. They're either all at work, asleep, or not being responsive. Never more have I wanted their attention.

I also want to cuddle and drink hot chocolate. It's one of those kind of weeks.

I feel miserably helpless tonight.

I want to shoot the whole motherfucking week down.

Violet's Eyes: (Violet's Eyes, Almost Rosey, Miracle)

eh-eh-hey, eh-eh hey, looking for Violet's eyes
no cream pie
no Little Red Riding Hood
no violets on this colorless, colorless day

your heart they say
never started beating
and silly I'm still sillily talking to her

miracle, miracle
she's run from all the churches in her favorite dress
call miracle, miracle
could've used one today
miracle, miracle
God I hope she's not gone far
cause boy's not many DJ's can make you a star

looked in garbage bins
and even in the playgrounds
the medicine men
say you're trapped between the worlds
trapped between the worlds now

and miracle, miracle
she's vanished from the churches in her favorite dress
call miracle, miracle
could've used one today
miracle, miracle
God I hope she's not gone far
cause boy's not many DJ's can make you a star

eh-eh-hey, eh-eh hey, looking for Violet's eyes
eh-eh-hey, eh-eh hey, looking for Violet's eyes
eh-eh-hey, eh-eh hey, looking for Violet's eyes
eh-eh-hey, eh-eh hey, could've used one today

Just a minute of your time
Yes I've been known to delude myself
so let me put those rose
colored glasses to the test

Now is this real enough for you
'cause blondes here don't jump out of cakes
If that never impressed you much

come board this lunatic express

Just why do they say
Have a nice day anyway
We both know they wouldn't mind

If I just curled up and died
Let's not give that one a try
Chin up put on a pair of these roseys
Raise those blinds
Chin up a happy mask was never
Your best disguise
Chin up put on a pair of these roseys
In no time you will feel almost fine

Almost rosey

Now some girls here will huddle with
No not footballers that are rich
but will confide in small white sticks
He bats as The Virginian Slim

Then I tried once to comply
with an authority that would
Subsidize my wild side
But at this altar was sacrificed

Yes you can laugh a femme fatale
in a bride's dress now married to
The effortlessness of the cracks
That lie now in between the facts

Now about when Violet died
The cause still unidentified
She thought her love would be enough
But you can't seduce seduction

Her tentacles of endless want
Reach through my corridors
and tempt me to taste of her power
I sober with the witching hour

And when I hear of one more bomb
Yes we have all been robbed of song
and nightingales who throw their arms up
When is enough enough?

Okay what if I could hold on but then
would nightmares turn back into dreams once again
would Lady Luck say this game has no end
but Dawn does not rise to Darkness

Hold on
Break your fall

I cry Miracle Miracle
but she's run from all the judges in her favorite dress
Hey yeah yeah yeah
I cry Miracle Miracle
I coulda used one today
No Miracle Miracle
God I hope she's not gone far
'Cause boys not many dj's can make you a star
Hey yea yea yeah
Hey yea

I look to the children
they shrug, "Don't ask us.
Hope was yours to protect
til we grow up"
I asked a cowboy "Can you save the day?"
he said "if I had me a few Braves
as I'm too late"

I cry Miracle Miracle
but she's run from all the judges in her favorite dress
Hey yea yea yeah
I cry Miracle Miracle
I coulda used one today
Cry Miracle Miracle
but she's run from all the judges in her favorite dress
Hey yea yea yeah
I cried Miracle Miracle
I coulda used one today
No Miracle Miracle
God I hope she's not gone far
'Cause boys not many dj's can make you a star
Hey yea yea yeah
Hey yea hey yea
I hear
Miracle
I hear
Miracle
I hear