Courtney made me feel like a 12 year old kid seeing his favorite band for the first time again. I cannot express how much fun and how much energy there was at the show tonight. She arrived on stage pretty late (sometime after 10PM), but from then on, she was on fire all night. She was fun, enthusiastic, her voice sounded great, and she interacted a lot with the crowd. When I yelled out for "Olympia" she gave me a puzzled look and said something to the extent of "Olympia? Olympia my ass! I'm 47 now; I am not going to play Olympia, Teenage Whore, or any of that other shit." But at least I tried :)

I'm not sure if it was because I was smooshed against the baracade right in the direct center or what, but the show was hot as balls and seemed to be packed. The fans I got a chance to talk to before and during the show were all very friendly and it was nice to be able to enjoy the show without any drama.

Personal highlights for me included Awful, Plump, Dirty Girls, and pretty much the entire encore. Like I said, she was on fire. I was bit worried the set would get cut short/wouldn't deliver when she hadn't showed up even an hour after Foxy Shazam's set, but it turned out great. Foxy Shazam was also a lot of fun; they reminded me of a hipster version of Mindless Self Indulgence- ha!

I’m not sure what Gaga would think if I told her my experience at her show last night in St. Louis. When looking over her works and relating it to the experience, I think “Dance in the Dark” is pretty appropriate. The gay community is interesting in that it there is so much good in it and meanwhile there’s so much wrong with it; I think it’s the directness. I’m big on directness; I think being able to be honest with others is one of the best things you do for yourself and others socially. It allows us to avoid guessing games and feel less hurt than we would were we lied to. I think the way sex is open and honest in much of the gay community is great. Moreover, I think that’s why casual sex is so common and openly accepted within the community. But there’s a lot I don’t like about this. I’ll be quite honest: I’m more than open to have casual, platonic sex with other men. In fact, I can’t imagine much else better. In many ways, having a best friend with whom I could have sex seems ideal. Within the gay community, because it’s often so easy to get sex, it’s pretty disheartening when you’re flat-out denied it by everybody on all levels. Not to say that I’ve necessarily experienced it like this, but the point still stands; I know there are people who have. Men, gay and straight, often make loosing weight, staying in shape, and having a nice body look so much easier than it typically is. As someone who’s not perfect or even great looking in terms of body by any stretch, this is beyond frustrating. Because there are so many men with perfect bodies out there, it’s easy for gay men with these bodies to surround themselves with other men of the same physical stature and come together- almost like the motherfucking Borg- and exclude everybody else that doesn’t reach that level of physical perfection. Going back to my Gaga experience, I definitely felt that way at her show, being surrounded by all the gay men in the world, pushing me aside when I wasn’t even looking for anything. It soon became apparent that none of them, soon forming as a large group of relatively attractive gay men, wanted me in the vicinity of their dancing; arms stretched out to provide some sort of a barrier between me and them made this clear. Gaga herself was fantastic. Her show was incredible and her entire team put on an unbelievable performance. Her message of universal love spoke to me, but the way I was treated by her fans (not just the gay ones, but by people pushing, trying to steal bags, fighting, etc) suggested a completely different thing. I do wonder how Gaga would feel if I shared my experience. I don’t think she’d feel much better than I did. It’s not her fault that I had a night of mixed emotions, but I would like to know what her opinion would be of the situation, how she’d feel, and how she’d approach the situation. She is truly an incredible person in the media world right now and I love what she’s doing. My trip that I am currently returning from has reminded me of one simple show-going lesson:

Dear Robert,

You hate people. You love fans, and you love meeting them, but let’s face it dear, crowds aren’t your thing. Seated venues for the win.

xoxo, Your Consciousness.

And I suppose this is definitely the case. Having masturbated, showered, slept, showered again, drank coffee, eaten, read Plath, and listened to an obnoxious number of Tori Amos bootlegs, I can say that I feel much better looking back at yesterday night’s show and that writing about it helps even more. Besides, our merch packages for the VIP packages are absolutely wonderful; “Dance in the Dark” totebags with VIP laminates, Fame Monster Tour 2010 towels, and Gaga sunglasses inside! I purchased “Alejandro” and “Dance in the Dark” t-shirts- both were in sizes too big for me, so I think I’m going to just bite the bullet and buy them in size Small online; I also want those fancy laminate lanyards that look more like the traditional crew/VIP laminates, as they were also sold out by the time I got to the merch stand. The tour program is gorgeous, by the way.

Unfortunately, I’m getting home about 2/3 hours too late tonight to hang out with Aaron, the guy I recently went on a date with. He’ll be away this week, but with any luck, there’s always this upcoming weekend.

I have less than a month left at Brewberry’s/Espresso Royale. I know I need the money, but a big part of me wishes that I was done already. These past three years and running have been fun, but I’m ready to move on with my life.

I advanced to the second column in my 100 Pushups program! YES. Cheers!

it finally all makes so much sense.

doesn't take us much to rip us into pieces.

i can't reach you

give me life
give me pain
give me myself again

these little earthquakes...

I made the mistake of listening to Pele tonight. Fuck.

Icicle, icicle, where are you going?
I have a hiding place when spring marches in
Will you keep watch for me
I hear them calling

Found you, Icicle. Let's take this mission on.

I started this program yesterday: http://www.hundredpushups.com/

I think it'll be nice to get in some other exercise besides what I've already been doing.

Seeing Gaga and Clovey live next week; I'm super excited. Turns out I need to be at the venue in Chicago by 6:15, which will be tight. I'm going to have to leave pretty early that morning, I guess.

Still working a lot. Post-surgery working has been much better, even if I've developed less patience for some of my customers, I think.

Cosmics should be opening up later this month. Exciting, much?

I'm registered for classes for fall; I'll be taking European History, Art History, and German I, among my other requirements I have as a freshman. Should be fun.

Swallow it down, like a jagged little pill
It feels so good, swimming in your stomach
Wait til the dust settles

You learn.

Yeah, I really did learn.

Okay, so I already feel like I didn't sufficiently get the blogging out of me with the one post. I'm just not really sure where I'm going with any of this or if I even have any material to make another blog post. It's not like all that much is going on in my life. I've alluded to but never really clarified what's gone on this past month, though, so I guess let's start with that.

1. Cosmics Coffee has officially closed down. This breaks my heart because it was my favorite hang out spot and it will be sorely missed. Many of my great adventures and conversations and friendships started here. This is also the place that helped me heal from The Fall.

2. Which brings me to mention however that Cosmics Coffee will be reopening under new ownership in July. New hours and new ownership though makes me skeptic as to whether or not I'll actually be as regular of a customer as I once was, we'll see.

3. It's not even so much that I fear I won't like it as much as that I've potentially already planted my roots into another coffee shop. It's Muddy Waters in Minneapolis and Gonzo and I went there after one of my work shifts a few weeks ago. I got dragged in because I liked hanging out with Gonzo and needed a new coffee shop anyways. There was an attractive regular that I really enjoyed checking out, but it seems that he's actually heterosexual, so what good is that. Not to mention that hitting on random strangers has never really been my scene.

4. I've been working a lot lately. Enough to the point where my brilliant schedule that I had worked out that included eating three solid meals a day and getting off of carbs and bringing back meat and lost of exercise and happiness has gone completely wayside. Instead, happy and productive Robert was replaced with under-rested, embittered Robert that hated any living thing that moved wanting a latte with extra foam (and all of the other pretentious coffee bitches & moans). My sleep schedule subsequently was pretty much ruined.

5. At the peak of all this work burnout and frustration, I had oral surgery to remove my last two wisdom teeth and put in the plate for my implant. I suffer from really high levels of anxiety in relation to surgery and anesthetics and so this was terrifying. But, my wonderful dear Milenko made sure that I was able to get through it and held my hand through the entire surgery and recovery process. Bless his heart.

6. I had way too much free time on my hands. I spent a lot of drugged up hours on vicodin playing Pokemon Emerald and posting on unforumz, which are the new boards for @forumz.

7. Masturbation has officially lost its fun and become a habitual pain that I just find myself having to do, because otherwise I feel like I'm cheating myself or something. This makes me think that mentally and physically, rather than emotionally, I need to get laid in the near future and should probably work on getting to do so. I've been in dry-spell mode for so long that I think I'm just in a dry spell now and it's not even important as to how I end it, I just need to end it. Somehow. Hopefully without diseases or complications.

8. Not being able to work out for an entire week+ and/or smoke is driving me up the motherfucking wall. I mean, I don't need to smoke ever, but if I can't work out, I don't know how the fuck else I am supposed to get my stress and anger out; I risk getting dry sockets right now though if I do anything involving sucking (like straws, smokes, etc). So that's been fun to deal with. I think a lot of my pent up anxiety is coming from being unable to do this.

9. I know that I have all of these television programs and video games and books I could be reading, but none of them even feel worth it when they're not being used as my release from a long day at work. It's like they're there to fill some pathetically empty void of aloneness and what's worse than that? I'd rather being doing these things because I want to and not because they're just something to pass the time.

10. My sister got a dog. His name is Moose. I call him Mücifer. This is Moose:


11. I think I've effectively summarized the month of June because clearly we're back to the bitching about my current state like I was talking about in the first blog entry today. Back to square one.