I. School - The Good, the Bad, and the All-Male, Catholic, Military, College-Prep Obstacle
A. Junior Year
Junior year changed a lot of things for me. While I felt that the work load was far less than what I have now and in years prior, junior year was academically the most difficult. Trying to balance Chemistry, Algebra II/Trig, and Latin IIIH all at the same time while maintaining four other courses was not easy. Moreover, I think my sexuality and my closeted-state were nearing their peak in problem causing. It tested my endurance and ability to push forward. With Robert and Pat gone, I had to make new friends (or well, some friends to begin with) at school. I think is was roughly two weeks in that Brian Plunkett felt it necessary to inform me that he honestly didn't like me. I think it was probably two weeks following this that he and I started turning our classes into snark-driven commentary sessions on capitalism, Libertarian idealism, post-modernism, Björk, and of course, the military department. Soon after joined Greg, who would help me survive the pretentious load of shit that was fourth hour American Literature and Composition. My instructors, particularly Mr. Ziebarth and Dr. Pearce, were immensely helpful in assuring that I felt the full impact of my coasting on talent. However, they helped me overcome the difficulty I had catching up and learning how to adequately prepare and do well in my classes. My entire perspective of the military department changed because of Chief Friede. I also gained a strong dislike for Mike DePuglio, however, whom at the end of the day just isn't my favorite hooker of the whole bunch. My existing friends, like Tom and Emily, I became very close to. Susha, likewise, become very good friends. It was us six, plus Signe, that made up my group of party friends for the year's dances and activities. I made it out of Latin alive. The four year nightmare finally ended. Thank fuck.
B. Italy
Italy was one of the strangest trips I've ever been on. I became very good friends with the guys though- something that I don't know if I could say prior to the trip- and it was a blast. Our tour guide was incredible. The bitches from the other group, Blonduga and Brunuga, were some of the most idiotic tourists I've ever had to put up with. I became good friends with the three instructors that came with us, even though SnakeSticks is still a moron and T can go fuck himself. I'm still sad that Ms. DeWitt moved back to New York. Emily and Signe were a lot of fun to be with on this trip. And oh man the amount of Pokemon that got played on the bus. The country itself was beautiful. And no matter how much I hate the Renaissance and the Roman Catholic Church from that period, I cannot deny that the architecture and artwork are magnificent. Moreover, the food was delicious. But Italian infrastructure is shit. Seriously. Also- Venice and Rome are way overrated. Taormina and Assisi are much cooler.
C. Senior Year - First Semester
After two weeks of absolute dread, senior year began. My closeted-state came to its peak and I found myself in a very bad place this fall. I started feeling like I wasn't myself anymore. Quickly enough, I came out. I didn't have to announce it to the world, but it happened. And everything changed. I excelled this semester, academically. I saw a councilor for the first time about my problems with my sexuality. It helped immensely. I learned to trust my classmates- not an easy feat, especially for someone's who hasn't ever been able to trust others with my private information about myself. I've opened up and I've come out on top. I've learned to deal, to have friends, and to study. I couldn't be happier with the results.
II. Men - Raspberry Swirl, Cooling, and the Volcano Goddess Herself
A. First Thoughts
The men in my life changed me. More than ever before. They helped me grow. They made me love. And they destroyed me. But they built me back up again. I figure the best way to approach the subject is by talking in song and personifying songs to represent the men in my life- I feel that is the most appropriate and civil way to explain it. Oh, where to begin with men.
B. Professional Widow
Widow really pissed me off. By the time the new year had rolled around, I hadn't spoken to him in months. We agreed on mutual terms not to see each other anymore. After about a month of lost communication, he messaged me, told me to fuck off, and that was that last I heard of him. Around mid-February he had texted me. I was shitfaced later that night and became very lonely. I think I responded to him by saying that I was a fucking jerk. I don't think I was any more of a jerk than he had been to me. But we were both awful. That was why we stopped seeing each other. But he was the first man that sparked an anger towards men. Widow taught me that men have feelings too- and pardon the stupidity of that statement- but what I mean is that I realized he hurt me the way I hurt him. I learned I couldn't do that anymore. He showed me my hypocrisy and I took the fall for it. The night we split up, as friends, I was driving to meet him and I told myself that regardless of circumstances- he was still beautiful- still worth something great. I knew, however, I had given up my right to hold that beauty. I had damaged our relationship beyond repair. Over a year later and I saw him again. We spent the evening together and things were alright. The feelings are gone, but I still remember what I learned from him and abide by it.
B. Marianne
I had trouble naming this one. I think more than any other person, I have dozens of songs that could identify him as. But many of the images I associated him with him died. My trust was martyred. One night as I was driving home, I screamed for a solid ten minutes. I lost my voice and let my immense hatred drive itself out. Upon arriving home, I sat down with a cup of coffee and didn't feel angry anymore. Everything was finally cooling. But for the first time, not faster than I could. I have trouble forgiving. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him. But then again, it's hard to forgive the dead.
C. Spark
This Autumn, I found myself in shambles. It took this man to get me out of it. The lack of trust built up so much that I felt I couldn't trust any men anymore. I couldn't even trust some women. I wouldn't see my councilor- I was afraid I would burden him. One night, after spending many similar nights feeling powerless, I called him up. We met for coffee the next day and he told me I needed to snap out of it. I needed to rise over the bad. For the first time, I learned I needed me for myself more than I needed others. And soon, I felt alright again. I think having a man I love just for being my wingman, my buddy, and my asshole friends that admittedly gives shit advice is what I needed. And everything ended up alright. For both of us.
D. Suede
He knew what he wanted. I did not know what he wanted. My mistake.
III. You Bring the Smokes, I'll Bring the Beer - Scarlet's Walk and Where We Go from Here
I'm saying good-bye to a lot of things. I'm not sure if all of my anger is gone. I still have trouble trusting people, particularly men. But I'm leaving behind the bad in my life. I'm sucking out the poison and moving onward. It took years, but I finally accomplished what I wanted to. I'm moving out east. I'll probably come back. Everybody always does. But for the time being, I am actually leaving. I felt an unbelievable sense of relief when I received the rejection letter from Macalester. I'm happy and excited to move on. At this point, I've heard everything anybody can say to me. I want to hear something new. And I'm going to. I'll be happy. And I'll being fucking miserable, too. But I'm excited for it all. I'm excited to meet the people I haven't met yet. The people I'll love. The things I'll do. And everything that I'll learn. I don't think I need to wait another year.
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